Before my estranged father died, I didn't fully understand grief. It's one of those things you never fully grasp unless you've been through it before or know someone who has been through it.
Grief ebbs and flows. It's not a simple step-system. First, capital-D Denial. Second, capital-A Anger. That's bullshit. You grieve not only the loss of the person, but the loss of the missed opportunities, the loss of resolution and closure. At least, that's what I grieve. My grief isn't conducive to the "Five Steps."
Grief is isolating. I'm left trying to sort through my feelings on my own and unsatisfied by the answers I get from others. At times, when I'm dwelling on it for a long period of time, I feel nothing but helpless, frustrated and angry.
That's how it goes. Sure, it's not as pronounced in the day-to-day life as I'm making it seem. It's just a part of the baggage I bring along with me.
Yet my story isn't the only one. There are others like me. Like my friend Hannah from Episode 6. We all have different perspectives, different stories.
What ties all who grieve together is the same lesson: To find that closure, you have to make your own opportunities to find the answers you're looking for. That's all we have, and we have to work so, so hard to get it.
So, that's what I'm doing now. I'm not working through the steps, but rather through the questions in an effort to find answers. That's all I have.